Ninja Pajamas, and other good things.

It has come to my attention that Genetic Savings & Clone is, for God knows what reason, cloning cats. What I personally think they are doing is gathering their special genetic stuff, cashing their $50k checks, and then when it comes time to "deliver" their special "cloned cats" they will get their contact on the inside of the local Humane Society to match kittens to pictures. I mean, seriously. It's a fricking CAT. I mean, are the owners *really going to know*?

Understanding the American's need to consume and keep up with the latest designer trend in pets, I am training my Jetta to do this.

For more information why cats are bad, stupid, annoying, and basically a pest, see also the Feral Cat Coalition.

You all know that I love Stargate SG-1, and Ayric and I have watched over 110 contiguous episodes. I know most of you don't share this obsession, and probably consider it quite contrary to my perceived personality. (Because somehow, I've kind of been seen as a literary snob and not into scifi/fan. Now, how could anyone get that idea? Except that you should not discuss LOTR with me, because I will give you what-for) Anyway, this blog is not in any way a Stargate fan page, and I try not to make it all a total Me Show. That said, I just want to say that if you're into Stargate, GateWorld is one of the best fan sites with the most complete information, ratings, synopses, screenshots, and a very helpful omnipedia. (It gets kind of difficult to remember everyone's name after about season 3, because obscure characters have a way of recurring.) Anyway, this is a resource, and just this once, I will mention the supremacy of Stargate (not that I don't poke holes in it).

You've heard me laud it. You heard of me playing it for hours upon hours. You remember me getting completely sick of it. Well, folks, I've rediscovered Slay. This game is much like a "Risk" chess, simple, yet so complex. I've found that the key to not burning out is to avoid playing it for five hours solid every day for a month. I recommend one to two games per day, however, you should consult your doctor before making any changes to your gaming regimen. I have the registered version with all of the levels and puzzles available. This unlimited access has the possibility of eating up your life. Try the free download and let me know what you think.

Ease for the uncoordinated: 5/5 - Nearly unlimited undo, unlimited time to make your move.
Simplicity: 5/5 - Basic rules but...
Strategy Factor: 5/5 - ...it takes serious strategy to progress beyond doing all the levels with the AI players set to "Stupid" versus "Very Clever"
Ease of beating Ayric: 3/5 - Tough to assess. He's pretty good, really. However, I (of course) think my strategy technique is much better, and I can usually beat his number of "days" (turns) to beat an island by at least one or 10%ish (as they all tend to vary in difficulty). Plus, he doesn't use the castles! You have to use the castles!!!
Addiction factor: 5/5 - Did I mention I played this for five hours solid, several days in a row?

To be fair to The Onion, they did make a funny Libertarian joke. (Thank you JH):

Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department
CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

Everyone has heard of The Onion. In fact, a few reputable news sources have picked up Onion "headlines" and perpetuated them as truth. So, therefore, posting it here would be redundant. And we all want to work against redundancies. So, instead, here is something that is kind of like the Onion's estranged second-cousin-twice removed's wife's sister's ex-husband. Kind of family, but also, kinda not really.

Bob From Accounting offers up quite a bit of satire and fun. However, it is significantly more approachable than The Onion. Unlike The Onion, BFA accepts writing submissions. It rarely publishes them, but hey, at least it accepts them.

The most so-evil-you-can't-look-away feature is Shizzy's Mailbag. Essentially, Shizzy Joyce impersonates all kinds of people and approaches other people on the web, eliciting some of the most bizarre and engrossing responses. He copies all of the emails exchanged, and together they form this strange conversation that progresses to proportions (and levels of conniving and cruelty) that will often blow your mind. No graphics (unless indicated), so relatively SFW.

The cream of the crop:



Shizzy pretends to be an Irishman moving from Dublin to Fargo and contacts an unsuspecting real estate agent, emailing with increasing elements of "drunkenness"

Shizzy pretends to be one of the Olsen twins, and attracts a rather unsavory fan. Eventually involves Scott Baio and Uncle Jesse.

Shizzy contacts a strip club, posing as a dancer looking for a job. It's pretty bad. Then Shizzy sends a picture.

Shizzy pretends to be an agent for a supermodel looking for a bodyguard. Shizzy reels this candidate in slowly. Then comes the information about the interveiw process that involves extreme paintball warfare and a competitive hop-scotch tournament. If you were ever wondering about the religeous and philosophical position of your local bar bouncer, this is the thing to read.

Shizzy decides to sell a *used* Real Doll. I'm warning you, this gets icky. But, you know, car accident/can't look away type thing.

Shizzy find an expert to help him out with a Vampiric neighbor. It's not the finest work, but the stranges thing is what the victim says and truly believes.

Shizzy hires a clown. This gets very ugly.

And if you're interested in a Shizz that won't permanently skew your morality, offend your deepest sacred cows, and essentially make you feel dirty, on the lighter side, Shizzy pretends to be TWO people to incite and elicit impassioned arguments about Star Wars vs. Star Trek. (Clue: Interplanetary Trade Wars are really not that exciting) This has a great suprise ending.

There are 37 total and this is updated fairly regularly. The experience of reading Shizzy's Mailbag is much like voyeurism - in a sense, it's like listening in on a prank phone call. It's a guilty, guilty pleasure. Enjoy.

As you know, Tuesdays suck for me, too. Luckily, I have this juicy goodness to share with you. This is a full site review - hours of entertainment.

Once upon a time, two brothers made a film about their personal experiences. The film spread like wildfire throughout the internet, aired on television, and revolutionized the way things were done at Apple.

In September of 2003, Casey Neistat's 18-month-old first generation iPod would only hold a charge for about an hour. After visiting his local Apple store, sending his iPod directly to Steve Jobs, and even buying a third party replacement battery, he was still out an iPod and was repeatedly told by Apple that there were no repair or replacement options available. Casey shelled out another $400 for a new iPod, but he and his brother Van made a video documenting the experience.

In this film the Neistat brothers showed the world that iPod's unreplaceable battery lasts only 18 months. It includes real audio from an actual call to Apple, so, speakers on! After the video gained worldwide fame, Apple began offering a battery replacement. The Neistats very clearly point out that Apple did not necessarily do this *because* of the video, but you know, draw your own conculsions.

Among their other acheivements, though, is a collection of very interesting and very provocative films.
Their compendium of other movies offers everything from science experiments to the 49 min Neistat Brothers cut of the movie Blue Crush

The science-type experiments are among the most interesting. Most are filmed against a blank background with a very deliberate exploration of common household objects. Some, like Child Resistant Lighter and Mousetrap evoke powerful emotional responses in under 2 minutes.

Lighter fare includes clips from the Sound of Music, The Breakfast Club, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Wizard of Oz, and the Neistat's own childhood videos. The science experiements all involve very simple household materials with dazzling effects. If nothing else, watch (feel?) the Neistats burn a $100 dollar bill - an experiment few of us will duplicate.

The next time you find yourself in Times Square, be sure to look up at the Jumbo Tron. If you happen to glance up at the 59th minute of the hour, you may see the Neistat's work playing.

As hard as it is for me to admire those who are so committed to Apple, I have to give props to these two. The blatant honesty and simplicity of their biography pages, combined with their demure way of letting their films speak for themselves without a lot of hoo-hah, fanfare, or ado makes for a provocative and addictive read.

Simple Short Elegant Film Goodness: 4.5/5

V. put certain things in perspective for me today with this quote from Einstein:

"The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."

Here's a song you've forgotten ALL ABOUT. But, it was pretty good. AND it contained the world bosom. Brimful of Asha by Cornershop (Link does not go to an mp3, just lyrics. Your personal method of piracy is your own business)

Here is a really nice picture of Charlize Theron.

For those of you who love to hate Martha Stewart, here's an article from the Smoking Gun which also appears on this page, inexplicably with a different intro paragraph. Pepper to taste, I guess.

These are the documents that detail Martha's literal run-in with a landscaper in 1997, in the spirit of that publicist that mowed down some people a few years back.
Maybe she was just copying Martha. Maybe mowing over peons in your SUV is, like, "a good thing." Hmm.

For those of you who hate flash games, here's one that you'll hate even more. This game is in JAVA! However, this is one of the all-time super simple greats. Java aside, with a name like Pixie Roundup how can you go wrong? The object of the game is to round up the pixies, in case you hadn't gathered that already. I found and played this game in (gasp) 1998 and it's still a lot of fun. The added bonus is that it gives Ayric a headache and makes his eyes all spinny and wobblesome, so yet another Game Domination award goes to ME! Muahahaha! "Stupid pixie!!!" factor: 4/5

For those of you well above the rounding up of pixies, the same developer created a Guassian Eliminator for solving algebraic equations in three dimensional space. Totally hella boring and perfect for snobby types who don't like pixies.

Here's a quote from Cindy Adams quoting Mrs. Waffle in the New York Post. Sorry, the NYP article is archived and I didn't feel like dishing out $3.50 for it.

"TV isn't calming for me. If it's bad, I get angry. If good, I'm caught up in it and get no sleep. I prefer what I can control. . . I do my own hair. I washed it myself yesterday. Problem is, in the rain it gets curly. In humidity, it frizzes. As for the dining, some small hotels don't even serve after 10 o'clock. I've already gained 10 pounds from the quick snacks and junk food. My husband doesn't gain because he can go without eating. I can't. I get fuzzy-headed. . . They call me the Scarf Lady. I never wore scarves before. . . I can't believe I married a second politician. I can't believe I married the first politician. He wasn't one when we met. I can't believe my family left Africa and came to this country. I can't believe I live in America, I can't believe I ever even married an American. And I can't believe we're embarked on this journey."

There you have it folks. The other candidate for First Lady has difficulty believing she's in America. She does seem to understand her own hair, though.

What do you think your fascist receptivity is? Take this quick historical quiz and find out. Although you'll probably find that you're a good old red-blooded American, not too liberal, not too fascist, there are two other interesting parts to this page. First, a section defines the variables in the questions, so you can self-analyze yourself further to see, for example, how exagerrated your concerns about sex are. The second interesting thing is that it is actually possible to score "Liberal Airhead." Beautiful, just beautiful. Only downside: No way to score Libertarian. If you want to be assured of your Libertarian-ness, or other-ness, feel free to take the world's smallest political quiz. Don't worry, you can't score "fascist" on this one, no matter how hard you try.

Do you remember the scene in Mary Poppins where Dick Van Dyke draws the sidewalk pictures and then they jump into them? And you wondered how such a very realistic looking world could be rendered by such inaccurate scribblings?

Anyway. Tangent. I'm tired. That said, there do exist some sidewalk chalk artists that create such realistic pictures, you will even have difficulty discerning who and what is real in the pictures.

Our journey begins with a post on LiveJournal which shows the work of Julian Beever. If you don't have time for or interest in this entire essay, this is a nice impressive quickie to get you started.

These are suitably impressive at first glance, but to really be amazed, try and discern which beverages are real, and which beverages are part of the drawing.

Julian Beever's homepage offers up several more beautiful pavement drawings. Even more interesting, Julian shows us what one full day's worth of work yeilds. This gives you even more respect for the detailed drawings he produces.

The artistry of another pavement artist has been considered so profound that it was considered an Urban Legend. However, if you want to really be blown away, check out the gallery of Kurt Wenner. One of the most astounding peices in this gallery is a 15'x75' drawing for the pope himself. (Scroll down on the page to find the ill-placed links to the other pages). Each work is thumbnailed. Click to enlarge and be awed.

Holy Fricking Crap! Factor: 7/5

As you know, mondays suck for me. But rest assured that I will not rest until I get some decent posts done. I hope that you are all enjoying this little site. If you find something you like, please reference ninjapajamas.blogspot.com when you tell someone about it. Please? Ok. Enough grovelling.

For posterity, my current high score on Tontie is 16,370 and my tips for you are buy the bronze hammer as soon as possible. The little spiky green blobs that will pop your pikopiko hammer *always* yeild a heart which will help you last longer. Also, you can now take out those evil mace-weilding red ones with one hit instead of a carefully timed two.

Without further ado, here we go. Please keep all limbs inside while the ride is moving. Not responsible for lost or stolen valuables, toupees, cell phones, or prophylactic devices you may be carrying.

No posts for Sunday. Just this meditation:

'Come to the edge,' he said.
They said, 'We are afraid.'
'Come to the edge,' he said.
They came.
He pushed them...
And they flew

Here's an example of what could happen to you if you start modding your car body. Factory Factory Factory!

Things I know about, that other people tend not to know about, that there is really no point in knowing about, but I know about anyway.

You can make a very effective antenna for your wireless router out of a big can.

There are people who act worse than your ex, your in-laws, your cousin, and your brother. But just barely. Someone has compiled many horror stories into a hellaciously nutritious breakfast.


As part of your daily dose of Asian Sensitivity Training:

Asian people can entertain themselves with a knife and a pencil for MONTHS. With suitably amazing and artistic results, mind you.

"What do you give the guy who has everything? Minions!" - JRB

"When you say, 'I hope you know' to someone, you're really saying, 'I hope you don't know'" - Chunk

I swear, I think Jeff Bezos is either secretly Asian or has a secret stash of Asians hidden in his office. (Yes, that's a stereotype, but it's okay, because I'm Asian!)

In an effort to "take the friction out of grass-roots contributions to presidential candidates" you can visit this page and make a contribution of $5 - $200 to your favorite presidential candidate.

So, is this Amazon's way of contributing to democracy? Wholesome patriotic generousity? No, not really. According to the FAQ:

U.S. federal law prohibits us from donating services to any or all presidential campaigns, so we are charging the campaigns our usual and normal Amazon.com Payments fee ($0.25 per contribution and 2.5% of the contribution amount)

That means that, as of this writing, the $133k worth of contributions to John Kerry have profited Amazon $4,020.73. That's a really great deal, considering that Amazon enjoyed the float of having that money, and they didn't have to offer any goods, services, shipping, or really, any effort to make that money. Bush only scored $848.85 for Bezos. I wonder if that will affect his vote?

Kerry is listed as formerly being a "cookie-muffin shop owner" which I think is pretty interesting considering he's still basically peddling empty calories. Perhaps it's good experience, you know, selling something that's tasty in the short term, but unhealthy in excess.

I'm just disappointed that Independant candidate Al Hamburg isn't taking contributions. Something about a self-educated divorcee with 9 children and a damn spanky fishing hat and a glass-shattering scowl really appeals to me. Seriously.

This little logic puzzle takes you the way of the old fox/farmer/chicken/grain puzzle. This time, there are two boys, two girls, a theif, a police officer, and a mother and a father. The instructions are in Chinese, so here is the lowdown:

- Only the mom, dad, and police officer can operate the raft.
- The dad cannot occupy the same side of the river as a girl without the mom present.
- The mom cannot occupy the same side of the river as a boy without the dad present.
- The thief cannot occupy the same side of the river as any of the other family members without the police officer present.

"AARGH, I can figure this out!!" factor: 4/5

For more fox/farmer/chicken/grain fun, check out Gareth and Tim figuring it out in episode 4 of "The Office"

Orisinal - Floats

Orisinal, which I have detailed before, features a new game. I think that this is actually one of the best. The object of the game is to herd the little floats by drawing a circle around two or more of the same color. Those encircled will join and grow larger, and you complete a level by herding all of each color into one gigantic float.

Whether you take the stance that it is a subversive message condoning racial segregation and homogenization, or, you know, just a cute little game, it's quite addictive. The high score board resets daily, so if you want to stay up until 2ish you can get your name in lights, before it's beaten down by people with no lives and impossibly high scores.

This game feature's Ferry Halim's ever present beautiful music. I don't feel like doing the full rating, so I will just say it's a 4/5 in any factor you want to assign to it.

So, lately I've been picking up on this little anti-asian subculture. Before you mock, hear me out. You all know that I will never drink Snapple again after their commercial that said Asians were "up and coming" - 10k+ years can hardly be described as up and coming by a 200ish yo nation. That, I guess, could have been slightly petty. However, you all know that the only one I like is Mango Madness anyway.

Now, Details magazine has decided Asians are not only up and coming, but they are coming out In this April 2004 "article", if you can call it that, the following text appears:

Gay or Asian? One cruises for chicken; the other takes it General Tso-style. Whether you're into shrimp balls or shaved balls, entering the dragon requires imperial tastes. So choke up on your chopsticks, and make sure your labels are showing. Study hard, Grasshopper: As sharp eye will always take home the plumpest eel.

Is that funny, or is that racist?

If you want to vote "racist" you can head over here and sign this petition along with 32,689 other netizens.

Hmm. Not fun post. Ah, here we go.

These Asians are fun! (Scrolling required)

Feeling a bit weird?

Fly around with FlyGuy. Chase after objects to interact with them, and travel beyond space to reach paradise, that is to say, if paradise consists of a simian doing the hula. SFW, but NSFW for those who have monkey-affiliation problems at work. (YKWYA!)

This guy has taken the time to create 89 very, very weird flash animations (numbered 10 - 99). Most of them are interactive, and you can click about to participate in the weirdness. Number 96 gives me the heebie jeebies. Actually, I just checked again, and they are all really super creepy. Yet creative, and artistic. But creepy. Certified Monkey-free. I think.

In this super-weird creepy creepy flash tour of a hospital, I can't decide what the weirdest, creepiest part of the whole thing is. Is it the creepy visuals and bizarre interactivity? Or is it the fact that the whole thing is composed of real pictures from a real place? Either way, this has a weird, weird, weird, weird vibe. Remember the house in Fight Club? (No, I know you don't, Cabe, I know you haven't seen it, but, you know, bear with) It's creepy like that, but without the soap. It is also creepy like the house in Red Dragon, but much more color-coordinated. Good, well presented, very artistic, but yet quite weird. BTW, it's weird. Did I mention that?

Here's a couple for inspiration

Well, that depends if you are playing the Christian, Buddhist, or Athiest version of our game. (Don't forget to try the keystrokes for speech while you play)

I've finally gotten up to level 10 in tontie but that didn't stop me from revisiting an old favorite:

Hangaroo!

This is your classic hangman, with a twist. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to win 10 rounds in a row to save a kangaroo that will give you minimal reward for guessing correct letters, but has a smartmouthed comment every time you miss. My favorites: "Oh yeah, just pick ANY letter!" and "A wrong answer. Let me put on my shocked face!" I'll leave the rest of his shenanagins for you to discover. This is a really fun and addictive game. The challenge is that the categories are literally all over the map. Cover models, magazines, Star Trek cast, Mountain ranges, books, movies, computer parts and accessories. There are even a few Italian dishes categorized under "Indian Fare." A few are completely impossible, such as constellations, because they are just five or six letters long, all completely different, and you only get four outs. That part of the game is a bit frustrating, but the real fun is being berated by a kangaroo anyway.

This game is free content offered by NC Buy, so I've tried to find a host site that has the least amount of popups and aneurysm-inducing banners. (I even turned off my blocker to double check for you, my dear readers). If this link goes down for some reason, let me know so I can find a new one.

Ease for the uncoordinated: 5/5 - Typers can type, non typers can click directly on the letters.
Simplicity: 3/5 - 5/5 - depending on how lucky you are with the random categories.
Strategy Factor: 4/5 - RSTLNE, just like Wheel, but that doesn't work for constellations or proper names.
Ease of beating Ayric: 5/5 - primarily because I created a gigantic Excel file and memorized the really really difficult recurring ones. Oh yeah, and I'm also better at this stuff.
Addiction factor: 5/5 - yes, the insults repeat, but they stay funny. This is one with great shelf life as the word lists are constantly updated by NC Buy. You can play for at least two hours without getting bored. And sometimes, without saving the kangaroo. Marsupial Sarcasm/Deprecation factor, 5/5

Oh, and I have some exciting Fresh Meat for you, too!

MinimaLemmings

Once upon a time, a long long time ago (2002), there was a contest to create cool things that took less than 5k total, no server-side allowed. What this means to most people is...nothing. It ensures a speedy download, I suppose, but to computer geeks, it is kind of an artistic challenge to create something fun and functional without soaking up ginormous amounts of webspace. Kind of like a contest to make something beautiful out of a single sheet of paper, for example.
Anyway, among the entrants was this lovely game of lemmings. Your task is to arrange objects to channel the path of the lemmings to the exit. If you get stuck or screw up, you can kill them all with the click of a button and start over. It will make you lust for a "kill co-workers" or "kill relatives" button, I assure you. Simple, clean, clever, nifty, thrifty, fun! Alternating between "Stupid Lemming!" and "Yess!!" factor: 4/5

Ease for the uncoordinated: 5/5 - You can always start over, no penalties.
Simplicity: 5/5 - Very intuative.
Strategy Factor: 5/5 - It takes some representational physics-style strategy to figure out each level.
Ease of beating Ayric: 5/5 - because I beat all the levels! Muahahahaha!
Addiction factor: 5/5 - until you figure it out. The need to get it gnaws at you until you've sent each little lemming to, uh, wherever it is they seem to need to go.

I actually had this in hand yesterday, but I didn't want to be too heavy on the propoganda. So, good morning, Kerry's personalities conflict...again, part II

In other news, type "johnkerrysucks.com" into your browser, or go to google.com and search for "waffles". Pretty much the same results.

One of the magical things that appeared to me today as a result of my mutant power (btw, I am not a teenager, and not a turtle, so you can just forgo making a certain conclusion - Dillon, this means you.)

Er, what was I saying?

Oh yes. This little blog came to me today and underneath its candy pink exterior lies what every blog should be. Low on the self indulgence, high on the self deprecation, damn clever, as well as low in poly- and mono- unsaturated fats.

Here are some highlights, although it does warrant a bit of straight-from-the-source chugging:

The movie Dead Ringers is so bad that it makes me want to get in touch with people I used to be friends with but now find annoying, just so I can recommend Dead Ringers to them before cutting them out all over again.

Man, I am such a fucking bitch.

Bladerunner is pretty good, though.

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Today I realized that people probably notice me checking out other people's butts.


The thing is, I'm not an overwhelmingly horny person. I just want to know what kind of pants people buy once they are out of college.

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Then again, the whole reason they're called grassroots politics has nothing to do with the aesthetic value of the roots of grass. That aesthetic value being nil.

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I wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Instead, I killed no birds and my arm hurts from the throw!

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From this soon-to-be-famous list of "10 Things I Think Might Make My Grown-Up Life More Swell":

The ideal wedding gift will always bring the couple one step closer to gnocchi.

I guess I could calculate how much we would save on Pam if somebody bought us Misto, but I would probably get the answer wrong. Let's just pick a random number, say, 3000. Misto would save Gus and me $3000 over the course of 30 years if we didn't have to buy Pam.

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I think a cat using a computer would be the cutest thing ever. No one else seems to agree. Fuckers.

Short, sweet, to the point, entertaining, witty, and peppered with "fuck." Lovely. Two thumbs up. This does not mean, however, that I, in any way, am pledging to be less self-indulgent or more to the point. This is a physical impossibility for me. "This is far too lovely to be in pink and associated with cats" factor: 4/5

After stumbling across this most fantastic story, I've decided to award the venerable title of "Honorary Ninja" to Judge Michael Cicconetti of Ohio. Although he does not flip out and kill people and I don't see him attempting frisbee seppuku anytime soon, this Judge is cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Some of you may have caught this story on fark about the teenager who was sentenced to standing in front of an "Adult" store blindfolded for four hours for stealing adult videos.

Talk about "Let the punishment fit the crime" in it's truest form! This is a conservative's wet dream! It warms my heart to know that out there, somewhere, is one judge who actually cares about his job, and his community, and wants to punish not for the sake of punishment, but for reform.

More of Judge Ninja's resume:

So you want to go to Ohio and...? Meet the Ninja Judge and you'll get to...

Blast your car stereo? Enjoy three hours of silence in a forest. Sensory Deprivation! Weehoo!

Call a cop a pig? (guilty!) Enjoy educating your neighbors (and yourself) by standing next to a real pig, holding a sign that says, "This is not a police officer!"

Hit someone else's kid repeatedly with a belt? Put some time in learning what child abuse is by compiling a scrapbook. To be graded. By the judge.

Call 911 on a prank? Put in serious hours as the bell ringer at fire stations. After, of course, you apologize.

Run from a State Trooper? Run against State Troopers in a Charity race. The catch? Your sentence will be commiserate with your performance.

Paint profanity defaming police on a rock? Wear a T-Shirt to school for 2+ months that says, "Respect the Police."

Engage in oral sex in plain sight on a public beach? Enjoy publishing your apology in a newspaper. Make that two newspapers.

The Ninja Judge has passed down many such sentences, and has been lauded by the local college's newspaper editor, been put down by abc news, informally discussed by psychologists, picked apart by bloggers, lauded for "saving tax dollars" and getting results on CNN, and served as Master of Ceremonies for his local Mardi Gras.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, he has passed down at least one "normal" sentence. Not only that, but many of these sources note that he has not seen a lot of repeat offenders.

If you're feeling a little spunky, drop a line of admiration to the judge at:

Judge Michael Cicconetti
Painesville Municipal Court
7 Richmond Street
Painesville, OH 44077
Tel: (440) 639-4852
Fax: (440) 352-0028
Internet: macpmc [at] mwweb [dot] com

Alright, I know, I presented this to all of you as an entertainment oriented site. Perhaps I failed to mention how entertaining Liberals are. I figure it's a tad unfair to do multiple propoganda postings in one day, but this is just FAR TOO JUICY. So, my half-hearted apologies.

Michael Moore is an asshat. Not really *news* per se, but here's a little proof (sans pudding). Michael Moore *is* a mammal (or a reptile, not really sure), he *does* fight all the time, and *does flip* out, but he is not cool, nor totally sweet. and therefore, he is not a ninja

Things I know about, that other people tend not to know about, that there is really no point in knowing about, but I know about anyway.

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1. Sperm, well, ejaculate, really, has a very impressive Bandwidth.

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2. Some people freeze-dry their deceased pets, and like, keep them around.

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3. Yes, you can buy a Banana Guard for your banana. (No really, that is not a double entendre)

Fresh Meat
(Kind of) Collapse is sort of like Tetris in reverse. The peices come up from the bottom, and you click away groups of three or more. It's very slow in the beginning, but becomes positively frenetic before you crash and burn. The download version has even more fun features.

Ease for the uncoordinated: 4/5 - You need a mouse.
Simplicity: 4/5 - Unless you are color blind.
Strategy Factor: 3/5 - You need it, kind of, as you progress.
Ease of beating Ayric: 4/5 - Just guessing here.
Addiction factor: 3/5 - 4/5 depending on how easily entertained you are.

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Old Game
Trapped 4 is a really cool puzzle style game that is reminiscent of your favorite Apple //e games. You are a little triangle, and you're stuck in a maze. And there are things out to get you. It takes skill, cunning, and mad arrow-button skeelz to make your way through the inventive obstacles. On the downside, I can't seem to locate a Trapped 3 or 5, so this is kind of a one-shot deal.

Ease for the uncoordinated: 1/5
Simplicity: 4/5
Strategy Factor: 5/5 - you need it to survive!
Ease of beating Ayric: 0/5 - I had to have him play it for me just so I would see how it ends.
Addiction factor: Madness until you finish, then you are free. No methadone required.

"I wonder if there was poop before original sin...actually, I'll bet that's why they were in the bushes." - Ayric

Ranting aside, here's today's zephyrs.

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This Top 11 is just for you, Caleb

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A couple of people have asked me why Homestar Runner isn't on this page. Because it has a funny to not funny ratio of 1:500, that's why. When it's funny, it's really really funny, but the rest of the time, it's horrid. Click at your own risk.

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For those of us mired in geekdom, semi-geekdom, wannabe geekdom, and geekdom admiration, it's interesting to know "Which OS are you?" FYI, I'm Debian Linux

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This collection of "Rejected Titles for Little Golden Books" could be described as one of the humor peices that started it all. I first reorganized and republished it on my now defunct first website primadonnasrevenge.com back in 2000 - This one's for you, Vicki. "OMG, that's so *wrong*" factor: 5/5

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Once upon a time, there was a shockwave toon that circulated with this impossibly strange background music with the repeated exclamation "Yatta!" I was immediately enthralled. If I remember correctly, it didn't do much for Ayric. However, I still maintain that it is damn funny in a very goofy way. I did some research and discovered, as with all things wacko (except for Jacko) it comes from Japan. (Makers of the Hello Kitty Vibrator)

The shockwave version serves as a "translation" of what's being said in the original (kind of like Pavarotti Loves Elephants (or, Elephants Yeah!)30 seconds, 3:1 Elephant:Pavarotti ratio, Flash)

The actual real music video for Yatta is on par with the shockwave parody (technically, it's called a fanimutation), and you can find lots of Yatta material here. (Hosted, interestingly enough, by MIT). However, none of the links for downloading the original work, so download it here. This is a largish file, and I would not recommend trying it on dialup. For a quicker, lower quality original Yatta experience, download this one. Is so easy! Happy go lucky! I might mention that one of the guys reminds me of Julian for some strange reason, and I swear I'm not drunk. Warning: you may wish those in the original video were wearing pajamas. Running time: 3:05 Trainwreck/Can't Look Away/Rubberneck factor: 5/5

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For those of you who are wondering, those creepy things on the Quizno's commercial are called Spongemonkeys, and they were created by the guy who did Pavarotti as above. Some of his stuff is funny, some of it's not, all of it is quite freaky. Should you decide to research this further, you can see the whole shebang here.

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Okay, I've finally figured out John Kerry. There is no possible way that anyone could possibly change their mind so often and so adamantly without the Liberal media calling their bluff. Er, ok, there has to be an excuse because if it was our beloved President playing opinion tennis with himself, they would draw and quarter him, and then barbecue the pieces, and since the media is so fair and unbiased, there is a reason they have not done the same with Kerry.

Therefore, the only possible conclusion is that Kerry is polyfragmented. Clearly, he is always telling the truth and always means what he says (because that's what it means to be a Liberal!) but there are different distinct personalities talking all the time, which then makes it appear that Kerry is contradicting himself, when in fact, it's the personalities that conflict. Obviously, he can't be held responsible if we just don't get it.

We should all feel sorry for John Kerry, because polyfragmentation occurs in people who have been ritually abused in childhood. Unfortunately, this undermines Baby Boomer/Liberal ideologies, because he's clearly suffered ill effects from growing up rich and privileged, suckling his designer silver spoon purchased with opium-trade proceeds. Other tragedies include the bombing of one of his childhood homes in France, camping in the real Sherwood Forest, attending Swiss boarding school, being a Catholic Liberal in a sea of Republican Episcopalians at St. Paul's School in New Hampshire, spending summers at the Forbes family estates on Naushon Island in Cape Cod, and going to Yale. I could go on about these tragedies, but they are truly extensive. Poor guy. Who would have thought that living in a let-them-eat-cake world would have such lasting ill effect?

I offer up the following quote from Charles Colson as part of my documentation of Kerry's polyfragmentation:

"He's politically ambitious and just looking for an issue. Yeah. He came back [from Vietnam] a hawk and became a dove when he saw the political opportunities."
From a recorded conversation with President Nixon on 04/28/71

Today's notes on John Kerry:

His wife is heiress to the H.J. Heinz Co. fortune, but they would rather give their money in support of G.W. Bush. (Not to editorialize, but perhaps those that run a successful business might now something about running a fiscally successful country?)

Hugh Hewitt calls Kerry the "International Man of Apology" and says Kerry has three things going for him:

"First, the press, like Tim Russert, isn't listening very closely to the absurdities like "literally, formally rejoining the community of nations." Second, his speaking style is so overwhelmingly self-important and so stultifying oppressive that most folks hit the off-switch when his lips begin to move, thus tuning out comments that would outrage them if they registered on the ears. And third, the "Bush Lied!" crazies wouldn't care if Kerry simply declared the dissolution of American sovereignty and a merger with Canada."

Finally, the Bush camp has produced a commercial entitled Doublespeak, highlighting John Kerry's habit of taking both sides on issues. I mean, difference of opinion among his multiple personalities.

"I'm always looking for redemption. That is, when I'm not looking for sin." - Julian Hurst

not to be confused with Hurst R. Julian. He was a park ranger.

When you're feeling a little incense and lava-lamp, here are two things to suit your mood. (Note I did not say anything about pot, which would be the obvious connection, because you all know how I feel about that)

This unnamed game comes complete with the slow beatnik style music and no instructions. Apparently, you're a little dude in pajamas on a space-bound chunk of unfinished burl that is retro-fitted with some interesting gadgets and life forms. Click around, find out what does what, and see if you can save your burl from an impending crash through logical deduction. It's very Myst-like and surreal, and yes, you can "win" it. There's no death, lives, dismemberment, scoring, or coins to collect, so basically, it's an entirely new concept in gaming. Beautiful to look at. Highly recommend. Time investment equals units of beer consumed times three minutes minus 10 seconds for every magical game-intuition hit point you have. (Meaning Caleb can probably complete it *before he even starts* unless he has 57 beers beforehand. It took me about 10 or 15 with no beers, demonstrating my negative equity in game-intuition)

If you are feeling a bit more passive, check out this video from SICAF, an animation convention in Korea. Ferenc Cako performs a live animation with sand that is simply breathtaking. All of the music is custom-composed for the peice, and his skills with the sand give it a surreal, three dimensional feel. It is always fascinating to watch an artist create in real time, and therefore this painting/story beats out even the most amazing sand castles. Holy crap factor: 5/5 with bonus points. PG-13 for sand-areola content.

Fresh Meat - Tower Blaster
You and your clean-shaven aryan eunich followers are in an intellectual battle against red-headed bastard vikings. Okay, that's reading into it a bit. This Towers of Hanoi-reminiscent puzzle is turn-based and increases in difficulty on each level. Your little midget people boost your self esteem by cheering your every move for added excitement. Because it has no time limit for moves, you can easily play it during a boring conference call.

Ease for the uncoordinated: 5/5 - no time limit
Simplicity: 5/5
Strategy Factor: 3/5 - because you can figure out what the other guy has if you watch and write it down.
Ease of beating Ayric: 5/5 - I know this instinctively
Addiction factor: 10+ games in a row. Reheats well.

Old Game - Blix
At one point, I was the BlixVixen. I can play this game for hours. It's got candy-colored Fifties-style goodness, with a funky disco space monkey theme and techno music. It increases in difficulty very slowly, and with a password (and cute little quickie flick) every five levels, you don't have to start all over again when the Blix bug revisits you, yet unlike most flash games, there are (I think) 200 levels or so for free, and another 100 for subscribers. Not only that, but you can watch the Blix single on Atom Films (B-).

Ease for the uncoordinated: 3/5 - mouse only, but some quick clicking required.
Simplicity: 4/5
Strategy Factor: 3/5 - most have a pattern that you can figure out to advance.
Ease of beating Ayric: 2.5/5 - He was really good, but he bores more easily than I do, so I've gotten farther, but more through perserverance than skill.
Addiction factor: Not enough data to calculate. I started playing this game in late 2000 and I still like it. Infinite shelf life.

A link to make you grateful for your job. Unless, of course, you drive a bus in Edinburgh or you are an IT professional chained to your desk.

Even Giorgio Armani himself will not shell out for a real one, and neither should you.

Everything you need to know to relate to all those old people in their 30's and 40's - a huge amount of trivia and facts on classic bands.

Mark your calendar - April 28 is free scoop* night at Baskin Robbins. *"Scoop" not meant to be taken literally. If you just can't wait until the 28th, Ben and Jerry's gives away a scoop on the 27th

John Kerry votes for something before he votes against it...again.

PSA: Whether your vibrating tongue jewelry is called the Tiggler or Tongue joy it serves a novel, medicinal, and/or educational purpose in Texas. No, I'm not kidding. (SFW)

Here are some obscure recording artists (also my specialty):

Madreblu - Necessita - I have listened to this over and over again, although in Italian, it never fails to enthrall.

Joss Stone - The new voice of soul. Guaranteed to blow you away

Alex Bach - She sang for the troops, she wears a shirt that says "Gringo Star" and her voice is beautiful. What more could you ask for? Oh yeah. She gives away full length Mp3s of her songs from album Miles to Go on amazon.

Guess the Dictator or Sitcom Character - answer the yes or no questions, and this will guess what sitcom character or dictator you are pretending to be. Sometimes amazing results, and some Duh results. Your mileage may vary. Highway: 3.5/5 City: 2/5

From Rinkworks (Not all of which is funny):

- I Think Thoughs on everything from bonus rutabegas to shopping robots, with catching butter in a net in between. 184 2-minute chuckles rarely updated so you can feel a sense of completion after about an hour.

- Book-A-Minute and Movie-A-Minute - Very funny synopses (?) of SF/F books, classics, bedtime stories, and movies. Favorites: The Two Towers, "(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)" and Interveiw with the Vampire: "Angst." Feeling "In the Know" and smart in regard to books you've read factor: 4/5

- Computer Stupidities - Hmm. This is not a small one. This page can entertain techies for upwards of four hours. But don't read the programming ones. They make everyone feel dumb except for Steffan. Much like redneck jokes, if you're allergic to computers, this is only going to hurt your feelings. Thank God my job is not in tech support factor: 5/5

Part of my rigid policy is to only list things I have gone through THOROUGHLY, and have judged to be A-1 quality. That said, a few more things look pretty good, so here's a few Mystery Meat clickables from rinkworks:
Could this be funny?
Bitter, Jaded? Yes!
This one _looks_ like chicken, but it doesn't *smell* like chicken
Fudd h4xor!
Pick me! One owner, low miles!

Someday, somewhere, someone will ask me to find a compendium of Quentin Tarantino scripts. Luckily, I, as helpdesk to the world, am one up. And if you're looking for a totally different script, don't worry, I've still got you covered. Yes, TV too. (Use the old navigation page, upper left graphic. The new one sucks.) Trying to remember a word or two in the "good lines" so you can Alt+F to find the best quotes factor: 4/5

What kind of loser would scan in their own doodles and post them online? We may mock the concept, but after seeing the product, we would all be forced to say:

Wow!
Sweet!
That's a *doodle*?!
and my personal favorite, HOLY CRAP!

Self-doodle-deprecation factor: 5/5

On the things-other-people-can-do-better-than-me front, you can find some amazing extreme Lego action here. Remember to follow the links on the bottom, especially the one that goes here. Mental Cost calculation and disbelief factors: 5/5

This is a fun little strategy game that rates a 4/5 but not a full write up.

These Interactive Illusions are pretty cool. I'm a perfectionist, though, I held a ruler up to the screen. (Note: Ayric beat me. Figures)

Okay. That exhausted my "favorites" list, so that's all for now. BTW, someone asked me today how I find all of this stuff. I just do. I can't help it, I just do. Sometimes, I'm looking things up, like Legos, or doodles, and I find cool things that way. But I really can't tell you what possesses me to look up Legos, or doodles. So, that's not really an answer, either.

So, I was going to hold off on this for a bit, and just pick out the juiciest bits from my longer stomping grounds, but I realized that I need to get as much as possible on this page in the moment that I think of it, or it runs a serious risk of never getting done. So, here's the short list of the long pages that I've mentioned many times. All very good.

Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About- Begins with a German Gal and and English Chap and a kiwi, ends with exploded sausage, with all sorts of strange things betwixt. At about 50,000 words (on one page!) this involves a serious time investment, but is well worth it. Ineviteably, there's a book, and I've read it, and it's different from the webpage, but good. For those of you who wonder if there is anyone out there as completely insane as I am, well, Margret comes close. You simply MUST sign up for the newsletter, because Mil has stopped updating the page.

Holy Crap, that reminds me of Ada rating: 4.5/5
Time Investment: As long as you have. Days, even.
Shelf life: Store bite sized portions in separate text files, read as often as you like. Will stay funny with proper handling for 3 - 5 years.


The Brunching Shuttlecocks - Extensive, witty, pithy, funny, clever, and as is the way with most extensive, witty, pithy, funny, and clever things, is now closed for business. However, they leave up their archives which means you escape the disappointment of returning to find that it still. hasn't. been. updated. The best thing that comes to mind is the ratings, with "Things you find in an airline catalog" I and II. Look for your Mr. T nickname generator, the "Porn Star or My Little Pony?" quiz, and the seven deadly sins rating. Furthermore, it is ripe with obscure words, and you can use the search feature to zing around finding said words in different things. Favorite: Pleh. Inevitably there was a book, and I read it, and it was a rehash of the website with very little new material. Boo. The folks who brought you the original genius of brunching have moved on to produce less of the good stuff and more of the lame stuff with the exception of Lore Brand Comics of which every other one is funny. I'm somebody's fetish.

I wish I had thought of that rating: 4/5
Time Investment: 5 minute quickies or a very, very long afternoon
Shelf Life: Best served on an annual basis, add beer liberally if content does not appear funny.

OddTodd - Flash cartoons about being laid off. The first one is a 4.5/5 but they decline from there. The good news is that for the most part, his "Happenings" and "Movie Reviews" are fresh and funny. Good for passing boring conference call time. Warning: on or around holidays there is usually annoying background music which can affect your SFW rating if you have your speakers on.

Likelihood you will begin to say mon-ay, cook-ay, and coff-ay factor: 4/5
Time Investment: 5- 10 minutes per cartoon, 5 minutes per short essay
Shelf Life: Sorry, folks, much like shrimp scampi, enjoy it the first time around. Luckily, he updates regularly.


Cockeyed - How much is inside ramen? Shaving cream? Paper Towels? Toothpaste? How would you go about dressing up in banana skins? As California? As Jenga? as Paparazzi? What can you use 812 ketchup packets for? Which way do you go to buy two and get one free? Answers to all of these questions and more brought to you by Robert Cockerham. I call him "my friend Rob" even though I've never met him, because we emailed a bunch and I've been on the far fringes of a few pranks. Basking in reflected glory, I know. This site is very photo rich and very detailed, so adjust your SFW/NSFW settings accordingly.


Amazing amount of self-discipline in the face of relatively inconsequential activities factor: 5/5 (and I mean this in a good way)
Time Investment: You will get sucked in to at least an hour.
Shelf Life: Always fresh, always fantastic! Much better eating than Toast in a Jar and cheaper, too!

Fark.com minus rubbish less minutae minus Liberal propaganda =

Photoshop Contest Animal Hardware combinations, all of which came out really well. Mine is the only submission that's NSFW!

John Maynard's Tron Costume This is the most self-confidence I've seen in one place in a long time. This guy blows Hung away on so many levels.

Photoshop Contest This is very old by web standards (8 days!) so some of it will be missing. It's worth a gander, though, especially for Lion-O. And the phrase, "I'm interested in meeting Naked" (You know who you are!)

And really, that's it. See how much wading I've saved you?

This little animated gif is very entertaining. About a minute, good surprise ending.

For those of you that know me, a large part of my life is spent playing stupid little games. I get addicted to them pretty easily, and then my taste will change. I have pretty rigorous standards when it comes to games. They are usually relatively easy for the uncoordinated and simple to understand, have some factor of strategy, and generally be something that I can beat Ayric at.

Tontie - A fun little game with a high stress-out factor. 10-key, so don't try this on your laptop. Difficulty accelerates quickly, so it doesn't get boring. I can get to about level 8. See also "Grow" by the same author - I never did get that one figured out.
Ease for the uncoordinated: 1/5, but I LIVE 10-key
Simplicity: 4/5 (although you do have to figure out what the little pictures are telling you for each subsequent level)
Strategy Factor: 2/5
Ease of beating Ayric: 5/5 - blew him away
Addiction factor: 4-7 games in a row

Old Game

Orisinal This is a group of 50 or so games that are beautiful in their simplicity. There's a little action, a little adventure, and a few stressful ones. All of them have beautiful background music, and several are relaxing. Most gain difficulty quickly and/or you have to earn more time. Therefore, you can play all 50 in about 1 - 2 hours if you suck as badly as I do. My favorite is the feed the duckies one, which will suprise those of you who know how much I fricking hate fricking birds. This is also a great set for long boring conference calls because you can play and still half listen. Play is usually all mouse and each game lasts 1 - 5 minutes on average.

Ease/Simplicity: 5/5
Strategy: YMMV, but on average, 4/5
Ayric: Varies by game
Addiction: Pumpkin Pie - you get a craving now and again, rather than eat it every day.

Real Ultimate Power! - Learn Frisbee Sepukku, the reason I say "Holy Crap!" all the time, and the three most important facts about Ninjas.
Ninja Rating: 3/5 Throwing Stars
Amount of time needed to Feel The Power: 20 - 40 minutes, depending on how totally sweet you think ninjas are.

Ninjai - The Little Ninja - If watching Kill Bill V2 left you needing a little more anime in your life, watch these. This is some of the most beautiful Flash out there. The drawbacks are that it moves as slowly as V2, and will probably never get finished. Otherwise, it's enchanting and beautifully done. Skip the games. They are dumb.
Ninja Rating: 3.5/5 Throwing Stars
Amount of time needed to Feel The Power: 5 - 6 minutes per episode times 10 episodes

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Strike that. Let's start with what I can think of right now. I will probably combine old things and new things as I think of them, and will label as such. This post is all old things. Caution, contents may be hot when reheated.

Satisfaction - This is the very much NSFW video featuring the cool techno song by Benny Benassi, candy colored ladies and some nice power tools (hehe), and, as I call her, "Power Breaker Bunny." Kitten Killing factor: 3/5 Time to watch: 5 minutes

The Writing's On the Stall - This is a collection of writings found in bathroom stalls all over the world. About 150 entries, of which enough are humorous that it doesn't warrant an Ada-edited version, but there are some groaners. As with antibiotics, complete full dosage for maximum effect. Conclusions: More liberals deface other people's property than conservatives; "This gum tastes funny" is the only thing that our entire species can think of to write on a condom machine. Coffee through the nose factor: 4/5 Time to read: 15 minutes

FOUND Magazine - This is a web page publishing found photos and notes. It's funny, creepy, eerie, strange, and voyeuristic. But *not* in a Michael Jackson way. One of the few sites that actually has received money from me - and the $5 was worth it for a copy of their print magazine. Cabe contends that it's faked, but I think it's all real. Judge for yourself. Ability to make you look twice at litter factor: 3.5/5 Time to read: 1 hour, Updated Weekly!

Hello All! I finally realized that I'm never going to build my mythical website that contains links to everything I've found that's cool. I've also realized that showing people things one by one as they drop by my office is getting to be inefficient. So, when I find it, I'll post it here. When you need to kill some time, drop on by and I guarantee you will find something to do. If, by chance, you are finding this blog and you are *not* one of my friends, the rules are simple. I don't pass on a link or joke if I don't think it's truly awesome. Having been on the web since '95, I've had my fill of lame flash, dumb quizzes, stupid video, forwards, and stupid games. This is *not* another fark! My solemn oath is that I won't post anything just to make content. Your mileage may vary.